News of Today

In today's top story: The investigation into the disappearance of Caylee Anthony appears to be stalled pending the results of DNA samples taken from the back of Casey Anthony's car. When asked for their opinion, most Americans responded, "What the fuck? It only takes a day on CSI!"

In today's sports news: Michael Phelps continues to prove to the world that the USA does not, indeed, suck by winning two gold medals. He also continues to prove that a sculpted body always looks better when wet.

In literary news: LDS church officials have gathered to decide how best to reward Stephanie Meyer for her successful LDS propaganda, The Twilight Series. Officials are very pleased with the reception the book has received, especially among young teenage girls, whom they fully expect to be joining the church in droves any time now. When asked to comment on the controversial baby scenes, thought be many to be explicitly gory and violent, they responded, "Ew. That was pretty nasty."

And in entertainment news: The Jonas Brothers continue to astound both young and old alike by garnering positive reviews for their latest album, "A Little Bit Longer." In a related news item, researchers found that pot smoking is on the rise among music reviewers.