Thoughts on American Idol

Posted behind the cut for length and general fangirliness



So, American Idol is crack. Once you start watching, it's hard to stop. But to really get the most out of your Idol experience is to watch it from beginning to the bitter, bitter end. Me, this is the third year I've watched it - not consecutively. Some years I miss, mostly because of the aforementioned having to watch every episode or it's just not the same. Some years just haven't been conducive to the crack pipe of Idol.

The point is, this year I decided I was going to watch the whole thing. I've been watching from the first painful, long audition days. That, my friends, is commitment. I still remember the day that a guy came across my screen - pretty. My first thought was "Pete Wentz!" My second thought was, "This guy can sing!"

And that's where this obsession was born. And this is where my little essay turns into an essay, not on American Idol, but on Adam Lambert. If there is ever one day that Adam is voted off of Idol, I will be so sad, I may just pick up my tv and hurl it into oncoming traffic. I just can't imagine the show without him. And why would I want to? He's given me a reason to look forward to Tuesdays.

There's a lot of reasons to love Adam, and because I have nothing else to do, I will now list them before they threaten to pop out of my skull.

The Shallow

1. Adam is really fucking hot. If anyone were to ask me, "Would you hit that?", the answer would be, "Into the fucking ground, baby. Into the fucking ground." Yes, I find him incredibly attractive - all tight pants and emo hair and black nail polish. I love every last inch of him. And the fact that he's gay? Somehow makes it all the better! As a confirmed slasher, I don't even have to dredge up pictures from my imagination to get hot and bothered - all I have to do is google Adam Lambert, hit pictures, and it's all right there in beautiful technicolor. Oh, look, there's Adam with his tongue down some guy's throat! Time for the bunk!

2. The guy can sing like nobody's business. Ok, yeah, so he's been using that upper register a bit too much, but that's not the point. The point is, he can sing just about anything because he has fucking incredible range. And he knows how to use his instrument. Yes, that one too, but I'm talking about his voice. His control over it is an amazing thing. He knows exactly what he can and can't do, he knows what suits him, what works, how to work a stage, how to PERFORM. The guy is just brilliant to watch, week after week.

3. If the real Adam were just like the stage Adam, I'd probably be completely turned off by him. Or, turned on, but disgusted by it all. What's infinitely fascinating about Adam is that he can be this super-sexual creature while he sings, and as soon as the song's over, he morphs into this really sweet, respectful, thoughtful, intelligent human being. His personality makes me root for him all the more because he's just so fucking NICE. Like, one minute you and he could be involved in some crazy, sex orgy full of drugs and incense and bad patchouli and absinthe, and the next minute (after you've both taken showers), he could be trading casserole recipes with your grandmother and giggling about Gossip Girl with your younger sister. He's literally a man for all occasions. And it works. It really fucking works.

Now, let's talk about the gay thing again. It's kind of like the white elephant in the room. Everyone knows about it, yet no one says it out loud. I'm kindof fascinated by the fact that these pictures are out, HE'S out, and yet American is still voting for him like crazy. I think it might have a lot to do with the fact that he's not flaming. Like, middle America could watch Idol and have a Bud and tell itself that he's not really gay. Even though he is, but he's not, because look at him, there's no hand on his hip and he's not acting like Jack from Will and Grace. So, it's ok to vote for him. It's kind of like the reason why people still vote for Scott even though he sucks ass and has a mediocre voice at best. America is nothing if not good at fooling itself.

So ok, I'd done. I got it out. I'm fangirling. And now everybody knows why. And when he hear me prattle on about Idol and Adam this and Adam that...now you'll know why.